Friday, November 15, 2013

The Pieces of My Soul


 
 
When I started this blog it was to cope with Sofi graduating high school. I needed to work out how to let go and chose words to do it. My postings have been fewer and fewer as the months go by. I've recently been reminded of why I started this blog, my love for my kids. I was 20 when I had Sofi and 21 when I had the triplets so we've all kind of grown up together. I realize more every day the lengths I would go to for these kids. I realize that when it comes to my kids I am ALWAYS ready for war.

I think in the last year that my older 3 girls and I have grown closer and maybe developed a better understanding of each other. I love the site Pinterest and admit to being a bit of a junkie. Today I creeped on my daughters Pinterest accounts and was intrigued by some of my findings.

Sofi has become this incredibly strong-willed woman. Her Pins include recipes to future kids and everything in between. I'm sharing some of the ones that I think make Sofi, Sofi.

I love this first one. Sofi is the BEST big sister. She's been Rubi's 2nd mom and has been supportive of EVERYTHING that Sadi and Rubi have done not to mention Aspen and Greer.

 
 
 All the girls Pinned sister related quotes and interestingly enough they were all different. I've watched my girls join together or travel in a pack I like to say. I'd be careful because if something is worth defending these girls will do all of this and then some!

 
 
 Sofi's board Paradise is her travel wishes. All the girls have a board about this same thing but they all referred to them differently. Sofi Pinned Lake Louise, Canada. I'm not surprised she Pinned both the water and the mountains in the same picture. Sofi is happy anywhere outside.



Sofi has a weird obsession with Pocahantas and I Pinned this on my board entitled Sofi. It was never one of my favorite Disney movies and why it's Sofi's is anyone's guess.

 
 
Sofi is finishing school to teach preschool. I've been working at the daycare with her for a few weeks now, and while I might be biased I truly see her at her absolute best when she's with the kids. They love her and she adores all of them.

 
 
 Sofi is pretty incredible. She is sometimes not very confident in her sparkle. It's pretty bright though and hard to miss even if she can't always see it.



Aspen, so crazily unsure of herself, I'm baffled by it. I can feel the sadness in her soul, probably because it's also in mine. She is beautiful and so smart. One day she will change the world because changing mine just seems like it isn't enough.

Aspen doesn't Pin much but from her boards it's clear she's a planner and appreciates order over chaos, maybe because the house she grew up in was the opposite.

 
 
I don't know if every parent feels like a complete failure but I've had many instances where I've known I could do better. I've prayed that they didn't hate me and that I had a better relationship with my kids than I had with my parents.  Then I find this and I know that I must have had times when I wasn't such a bad mom, times when I did something right, when I know that in a small way they get me.



This sister quote is interesting, I think, because she's 1/3 of a whole and shared a room with a sister most of her life. It's this quote that tells me that on the rare occaisions there were slamming doors and harsh words that she knows what she has in her sisters.

 
 
 Aspen is my old soul. She is years older than her age. She appreciates the quiet and simple. She is this girl.

 
 
 I'm so proud of my kids ability to see past hate and ugly to be able to see the person. My kids care NOTHING about race, religion or sexual orientation. This, I consider to be a huge parenting accomplishment.

 
 
 Aspen's travel board is her Bucket list and ranged from visiting a trampoline bridge in Paris to something as simple as jumping in a pool fully clothed. I hope I'm there to see this one because when Aspen is excited about something few lights in this world shine brighter.

 
 
 Clearly by Pinning Louboutins it proves she is my child...

 
 
 Ahhh....yes I have passed on my crazy to her... I'm so sorry A. I hope you are better at learning to let go and take a leap or two than I am.

 
 
Oh Greer... where do I even start. She is my mini me. While I hate to admit it sometimes, she is pretty awesome. I love her fun and zest for life and am envious at how sure of herself she ALWAYS seems.
 
Even Greer knows what's really important and that she's a sister first. I do have to say that few could rock a tiara quite like Greer could though. She really should go find that one specific Ginger Prince.
 

 
I love Greer's Style board. It is ME from high school and I had a closet to be envied back then. I had every color of Converse hightops and high-wasted jeans/shorts and cropped shirts and jackets were a staple. She secretly wants to be me but don't tell her because she hasn't figured it out yet. ;)

 
 
 I'm pretty sure Greer's pen is only held by her. You can't make up the stuff that happens to her. She's got an adventurous spark that I hope never goes out. Keep writing Greer, your story is only beginning.

 
 
 Greer doesn't think about Paradise or have a  Bucket list, her board is titled Some Day. I'm certain it's because she knows one way or another she'll get there. Greece is on her agenda for spring semester of 2015. I so hope she stays the course.

 
 
 Greer has a SHOE board?!? Yep, she's mine... also pinning Louboutins... Is there a shoe gene? If there is three out of my five girls have it.

 
 
 Oh G...I sure hope you are always someone's shot of tequila. Keep that fire 'cause you're gonna need it. Tea is totally overrated by the way.



My kids love 80's movies and music thanks to Jeff and I. Greer's one time, out grown motto was YOLO, so for her love of Ferris and YOLO I Pinned this for her. I'd have to say she's our family's Ferris.

 
 
I hope my girls always listen for the whispers and watch for the glances and realize that it was these things between their dad and me that led to their existence. I've often told my girls that if the person they're with doesn't treat them the way their dad treats me then that person isn't worth their time. Sofi's found him so the other's can too. He's out there but you have to be listening for the whisper and not the scream.
 

I am so proud that these are the kind of girls that Jeff and I have raised. They have goals and dreams. They are kind and intelligent. Their spark is pretty incredible. I'm sad for those that don't get to witness it. When they are all together I just sit back and smile. They've become incredible women and are each their own person. They are very much the same and yet very, very different. They are large pieces of this incredibly intricate family puzzle that Jeff and I created. I can't wait to see what their next chapters bring, whatever they are I'm positive that they will be spectacular!
 

 
 
 

Monday, May 20, 2013

Why Can't They Stay Little?


Somehow at Christmas Sofi became old enough to get engaged.  The ring is gorgeous. The boy is a really good man. The Mom? She's becoming a bit of a mess... I know you're all shocked by that. I see so clearly the days she was a baby; things she did when she became a big sister. I remember when she was barely a year old and my sister taught her how to lick her plate. Now she's on the brink of turning 21 and she's engaged. Most days I'm ecstatic for her. Some days I am sad for me.


She's older than I was in this picture. I was such a baby still. What the hell were Jeff and I thinking?
We were so sure she was a boy. I mean Jeff prayed to the Carp God and all... Then we ended up with this tiny little baby girl and our lives changed, for the better, forever.

We've been shopping for dresses and found the one. It's gorgeous and it's Sofi and part of me hates to see her in it. I mean she's my biggest baby and she can't possibly be old enough for this can she?

 
We were just buying prom dresses for Pete's sake! (Does anyone know who Pete is?) She always chose the most amazing dresses and the wedding dress is no exception. I knew it the minute she put it on that it was the one. She looked more like herself than ever in it.
 
 
She's chosen an incredible group of girls to stand with her and help her celebrate the day.  Hopefully the bridesmaid dresses will allow Courtney to be able to do the Cha Cha Slide without problem. Trying on those dresses we discovered that the Cha Cha Slide was of great importance.  I love this girl.
 
 
She's been an incredible "leader of the pack". There isn't anything that she hasn't done for her siblings. She'd go to the mat for them every single time. Family is first for this girl and is only one of the zillion things I love about Sofi.
 
 
This is Sofi's penguin. He's pretty awesome. She's chosen well. They are a good match with equal amounts of crazy. We've known his parents for as long as we can remember and Aaron about as long. He's good people and Newton will be a good last name.
 
Next August will come too soon. She can't possibly be old enough...
 
 


Friday, February 15, 2013

Can't-Live-Without-Each-Other Love

“I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.”

                                                                                         ~Carrie Bradshaw - Sex In The City
 
 
 
I've spent 22 Valentine's Days with Jeff, I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope for 22 more.
 
It hasn't been easy and we've had to work for ALL 22 years. It's definitely been worth it. For the first time in several years I feel like he and I are back on track. We both decided that we'd let things become too comfortable. We let too much of our lives focus on the kids and none of it working on us. If anyone ever tells you that marriage is easy they are lying.
 
Real love is donuts and soda every morning. It's taking his kids to school EVERY morning.
 
Ridiculous is finding out less than 2 years in we were having Triplets. Uber-Ridiculous!
 
Inconvenient is stopping everything because your wife is sick and needs to be carted to the clinic several times in one week. It's him taking off work to stay home with a sick baby because it's your busy season at work.
 
Consuming is feeling like you need him the way a person needs air or food; feeling like you wouldn't be able to breathe without him. Sometimes so much so that it's painful.
 
Can't-live-without-each-other love is watching The Notebook and hoping that your "ends" happen in that very same way. Knowing that when you remember NOTHING else you will always remember him.
 
Does it always feel ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming or can't-live-without-each-other love? No but it has always, ALWAYS felt real.
 
I've told my daughters that if the guy they are with doesn't treat them how their dad has always treated me then he is not worth the time or energy.
 
Real love is knowing that you would do it all again...
 
EXACTLY the same way.
 
 
December 18, 1992
We were 20 and 24 years old
 
 
 
May 10, 2011
No longer 20 and 24...
 
Happy Valentine's Day!
 
 
 
 
 

Monday, January 14, 2013

This Is The Year To GET REAL

fail·ure

[feyl-yer] Show IPA
noun
1.
an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure.
2.
nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear.
3.
a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency: the failure of crops.
4.
deterioration or decay, especially of vigor, strength, etc.: The failure of her health made retirement necessary.
5.
a condition of being bankrupt by reason of insolvency.
 
I've decided to "over-share" this year; bare my soul, so to speak. Stop reading now if you don't want to know these things...
 
Failure is what I feel a great deal of the time. I am probably one of the most insecure people you'll ever meet. In the last several years that insecurity has created anxiety in me that now requires medication. I never thought I'd be "one of THOSE people", you know, taking a pill to get through their day. I am though. The times that cause the most anxiety are when I have to be in large groups of people, going to games at school, Jeff's family for holidays, etc. The feeling of inadequacy; of not being "good enough" is really hard to manage. This makes me feel like a failure.
 
I've felt this way most of my life from when I was little. I have an incredibly successful older sister and I've never quite measured up. She's wonderful and I love her but she's perfect and that can make things difficult at times. I've called it Middle Child Syndrome. I have never been perfect.
 
I have a younger brother which defines failure in a completely different manner. I failed him in many ways. We have no relationship now and there are days I feel if I was just a little stronger I could allow him to be part of my life but I've grown to feel that a relationship with him is toxic and not good for either of us. I'd like to save him and he doesn't want to be saved. Fail... I've had to let him go and remember when he was good and not the tortured self he is now.
 
College... yet another of my failed attempts at the important things. I didn't appreciate it when it was handed to me. I couldn't manage 4 babies and keep up the college pace when I tried again. I'm hoping someday to finish and mark this one off my Chart of Failure.
 
Parenting. Not always do I feel like I've failed but recently things have been tough with the Big's. I feel more like a failure at this juncture than I EVER did when they were Little's. I'm too paranoid and because of that, it is extremely hard to let go. I have very vivid dreams of car wrecks, accidents, assaults on my children. I am terrified whenever they drive off - is the road slick, will there be deer out, are they texting? I was told in not so many words the other night that I have failed miserably as a parent. Thank God they have Jeff because I know that in many ways I have failed them.
 
I have a hard time starting things because I know that whatever it is will end in failure. I'm sure I could take more pills and numb these feelings and insecurities into oblivion, however I also know that would solve nothing.
 
I am shocked that I am in a marriage that has survived 20 years. It's been so hard to make it work sometimes. When will he walk out the door? Ask for a divorce? Not come home? I struggle daily to quiet these thoughts. There are good days and bad, right now the bad are outweighing the good. Too much thinking is never a good thing for me.
 
I try to be a good person and do the right thing but it always feels like I'm chasing my tail. I will never be good enough. I have contemplated disappearing and letting Jeff find someone more deserving and giving my kids a chance to breathe. If I just disappeared somewhere they could forget I existed. I could forget that I ever existed. If I did it would be one more huge failure. I can't help feeling that the people in my life deserve better. For 40 years I've felt like such a failure and my hope is that finally saying this out loud will allow me to let it go, to get over it, move on, succeed.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Insomniac

in·som·ni·a
n.
Chronic inability to fall asleep or remain asleep for an adequate length of time.

[Latin nsomnia, from nsomnis, sleepless : in-, not; see in-1 + somnus, sleep; see swep- in Indo-European roots.]

This describes my life in a nutshell. I Facebooked quite a little lately about my inability to sleep. Many people have offered up their solutions to my problem. I love that people care and want to help. So tonight I am going to give a little backstory...

I believe that I have always had sleep issues. I remember having a recurring dream when I was little. I can still remember that dream...

It was at out house in Pueblo. I can still see it clear as day. Our neighbors, a girl named Marnie and a man that Dad called Squat-to-Pee (don't ask, I cannot tell you what this man's real name was, I just know that my Dad was obviously not fond of him) were in this dream. It was very weird. It involved standing in line and waiting to get into someplace, Heaven maybe? I've never been sure what we were standing in line for. I know that no one else in my family was in this line; maybe it was the line to Hell? I NEVER not once got to the end of this dream or the end of that line. There were things that flew, like the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz, but I can't tell you that they were bad things nor do I know what their purpose was. I don't have this dream as often anymore. Maybe once every couple of years but when I do the dream is the exact same, my six year old self standing in line and waiting.

By high school I was what people call a night-owl. I always, ALWAYS felt more productive at night. It was nothing for me to do homework or read until 2 or 3 a.m. I never had a problem running on a few hours of sleep. It was much easier with a raging metabolism and 25 less years than I have now. When I went to Lincoln after I graduated I took night classes and would often drive home at 1:00 a.m.

I read an article once, one of those What Kind of Person are You? articles. It talked about how a person dealt with life happenings. It turns out that I am a "RUMINATOR".

ru·mi·nate
v. ru·mi·nat·ed, ru·mi·nat·ing, ru·mi·nates

v.intr.
1. To turn a matter over and over in the mind.
2. To chew cud.

v.tr.
To reflect on over and over again.



 



 
This is what happens when I go to bed. It's worse if I feel I've said or done the wrong thing at some point during the day. It's the one piece that stays in my brain and rolls around and around for hours. I remember the worst things about what I've done or how I've acted for YEARS after the fact; insignificant pieces of dialog that I wish I hadn't said or wish hadn't been said to me lodge themselves in my head and take up residence for years.
 
Now I add worry to my ruminations. This usually has to do with the kids and the older they've gotten the worse it is. There are so many things that I can't control now that they are in college. I lay in bed at night hoping that they are making good decisions. I hope they are eating and taking care of themselves. I hope that they are being safe. I worry about them getting in the wrong car or going on dates with people we don't know. It terrifies me that I will outlive any of my children because that isn't how it is supposed to be. I need them to get married, have kids, careers, happiness and success. I need them to grow old and yet there is now very little that I can do to get them there. Their lives are their own.
 
People say drink tea, and I have. People say go to bed the same time every night and I did for a long time. People suggest this herb or that OTC and trust me, I have tried them all. I took Ambien for 12 years and in the beginning it worked fantastic, however, the longer I was on it the more difficult my days got. It became really difficult to function. I NEVER woke up feeling like I slept although I know I did. I stopped taking it about a year ago and while I now go as many as 4 nights with little to no sleep. when I finally "crash" I'm out cold.
 
I think until someone finds a way to completely disable brain function and put it into "sleep" mode I'm stuck. I appreciate all the suggestions and when I come across 1 I haven't tried I do try it in the hopes that I will eventually happen on to the magic sleep solution.

On the up-side I had a good weekend with all of my girls here and I felt reassured that they are, in fact, making good decisions, making the grade, taking care of themselves. It is strange how the worries and concerns evolve with the years. You go from worrying about diaper rash to the first day of kindergarten to college applications to college graduation to whether they will meet someone who deserves them.

Take care all. Sleep tight...Don't let the bed bugs bite.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Lists in a Bucket



Jeff and I married YOUNG. I was 20 and Jeff was almost 25.
I'm pretty sure there were a lot of people that counted us out.
Here we are 20 years later. How did that happen?? I don't
look in the mirror and see 20 years. I don't look at Jeff and
see 20 years.

I find lately that I'm lonely. A lot. I didn't deal well with the
chaos that 6 kids brought and now I find I miss it. I think about
MY future a lot. And Jeff. And another 20 years. We will be
young enough to do some of these things in 10 years when Rubi
graduates. I have classmates who have just started having kids and
I can't even imagine it. I'm at the tail end and am looking forward
to being able to enjoy the next 20 years.

The definition of "Bucket List" is as follows:

noun

informal
  • a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime: making this trip is the first thing on my bucket list

Most of my bucket list includes Jeff. Someday I'll tell him about it...

1. Travel to:
    New Orleans
    Maui
    Ashville, NC to see the Biltmore House
    London to glimpse the Ginger Prince
    Paris to add our locks to the Pont des Arts Bridge
    Venice to ride in a gondola

2.  Finish my degree.

3.  Write a book and have it published.

4.  Stand in the ocean with Jeff.

5.  Be married for 50 years.

My list is short. I am content with what I have. I married a good man. I have six fantastic kids. I have a loving, supportive family. I have a nice house. I have great friends. Did I mention I married a good man?



Some day life will stop for us and I want to look back without regret. I want to know that I lived.

What's on your List?