Why Can't They Stay Little?

Somehow at Christmas Sofi became old enough to get engaged.  The ring is gorgeous. The boy is a really good man. The Mom? She's becoming a bit of a mess... I know you're all shocked by that. I see so clearly the days she was a baby; things she did when she became a big sister. I remember when she was barely a year old and my sister taught her how to lick her plate. Now she's on the brink of turning 21 and she's engaged. Most days I'm ecstatic for her. Some days I am sad for me.

She's older than I was in this picture. I was such a baby still. What the hell were Jeff and I thinking?
We were so sure she was a boy. I mean Jeff prayed to the Carp God and all... Then we ended up with this tiny little baby girl and our lives changed, for the better, forever.

We've been shopping for dresses and found the one. It's gorgeous and it's Sofi and part of me hates to see her in it. I mean she's my biggest baby and she can't possibly be old enough for this can she?

 

We were just buying prom dresses for Pete's sake! (Does anyone know who Pete is?) She always chose the most amazing dresses and the wedding dress is no exception. I knew it the minute she put it on that it was the one. She looked more like herself than ever in it.

 

 

She's chosen an incredible group of girls to stand with her and help her celebrate the day.  Hopefully the bridesmaid dresses will allow Courtney to be able to do the Cha Cha Slide without problem. Trying on those dresses we discovered that the Cha Cha Slide was of great importance.  I love this girl.

 

 

She's been an incredible "leader of the pack". There isn't anything that she hasn't done for her siblings. She'd go to the mat for them every single time. Family is first for this girl and is only one of the zillion things I love about Sofi.

 

 

This is Sofi's penguin. He's pretty awesome. She's chosen well. They are a good match with equal amounts of crazy. We've known his parents for as long as we can remember and Aaron about as long. He's good people and Newton will be a good last name.

 

Next August will come too soon. She can't possibly be old enough...

 

 



Can't-Live-Without-Each-Other Love

“I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.”

                                                                                         ~Carrie Bradshaw - Sex In The City

 

 

 

I've spent 22 Valentine's Days with Jeff, I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope for 22 more.

 

It hasn't been easy and we've had to work for ALL 22 years. It's definitely been worth it. For the first time in several years I feel like he and I are back on track. We both decided that we'd let things become too comfortable. We let too much of our lives focus on the kids and none of it working on us. If anyone ever tells you that marriage is easy they are lying.

 

Real love is donuts and soda every morning. It's taking his kids to school EVERY morning.

 

Ridiculous is finding out less than 2 years in we were having Triplets. Uber-Ridiculous!

 

Inconvenient is stopping everything because your wife is sick and needs to be carted to the clinic several times in one week. It's him taking off work to stay home with a sick baby because it's your busy season at work.

 

Consuming is feeling like you need him the way a person needs air or food; feeling like you wouldn't be able to breathe without him. Sometimes so much so that it's painful.

 

Can't-live-without-each-other love is watching The Notebook and hoping that your "ends" happen in that very same way. Knowing that when you remember NOTHING else you will always remember him.

 

Does it always feel ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming or can't-live-without-each-other love? No but it has always, ALWAYS felt real.

 

I've told my daughters that if the guy they are with doesn't treat them how their dad has always treated me then he is not worth the time or energy.

 

Real love is knowing that you would do it all again...

 

EXACTLY the same way.

 

 

December 18, 1992

We were 20 and 24 years old

 

 

 

May 10, 2011

No longer 20 and 24...

 

Happy Valentine's Day!

 

 

 

 

 

This Is The Year To GET REAL

fail·ure

/ˈfeɪl yər/ Show Spelled [feyl-yer] Show IPA

noun

1.

an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure.

2.

nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear.

3.

a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency: the failure of crops.

4.

deterioration or decay, especially of vigor, strength, etc.: The failure of her health made retirement necessary.

5.

a condition of being bankrupt by reason of insolvency.

 

I've decided to "over-share" this year; bare my soul, so to speak. Stop reading now if you don't want to know these things...

 

Failure is what I feel a great deal of the time. I am probably one of the most insecure people you'll ever meet. In the last several years that insecurity has created anxiety in me that now requires medication. I never thought I'd be "one of THOSE people", you know, taking a pill to get through their day. I am though. The times that cause the most anxiety are when I have to be in large groups of people, going to games at school, Jeff's family for holidays, etc. The feeling of inadequacy; of not being "good enough" is really hard to manage. This makes me feel like a failure.

 

I've felt this way most of my life from when I was little. I have an incredibly successful older sister and I've never quite measured up. She's wonderful and I love her but she's perfect and that can make things difficult at times. I've called it Middle Child Syndrome. I have never been perfect.

 

I have a younger brother which defines failure in a completely different manner. I failed him in many ways. We have no relationship now and there are days I feel if I was just a little stronger I could allow him to be part of my life but I've grown to feel that a relationship with him is toxic and not good for either of us. I'd like to save him and he doesn't want to be saved. Fail... I've had to let him go and remember when he was good and not the tortured self he is now.

 

College... yet another of my failed attempts at the important things. I didn't appreciate it when it was handed to me. I couldn't manage 4 babies and keep up the college pace when I tried again. I'm hoping someday to finish and mark this one off my Chart of Failure.

 

Parenting. Not always do I feel like I've failed but recently things have been tough with the Big's. I feel more like a failure at this juncture than I EVER did when they were Little's. I'm too paranoid and because of that, it is extremely hard to let go. I have very vivid dreams of car wrecks, accidents, assaults on my children. I am terrified whenever they drive off - is the road slick, will there be deer out, are they texting? I was told in not so many words the other night that I have failed miserably as a parent. Thank God they have Jeff because I know that in many ways I have failed them.

 

I have a hard time starting things because I know that whatever it is will end in failure. I'm sure I could take more pills and numb these feelings and insecurities into oblivion, however I also know that would solve nothing.

 

I am shocked that I am in a marriage that has survived 20 years. It's been so hard to make it work sometimes. When will he walk out the door? Ask for a divorce? Not come home? I struggle daily to quiet these thoughts. There are good days and bad, right now the bad are outweighing the good. Too much thinking is never a good thing for me.

 

I try to be a good person and do the right thing but it always feels like I'm chasing my tail. I will never be good enough. I have contemplated disappearing and letting Jeff find someone more deserving and giving my kids a chance to breathe. If I just disappeared somewhere they could forget I existed. I could forget that I ever existed. If I did it would be one more huge failure. I can't help feeling that the people in my life deserve better. For 40 years I've felt like such a failure and my hope is that finally saying this out loud will allow me to let it go, to get over it, move on, succeed.

Insomniac

in·som·ni·a n. Chronic inability to fall asleep or remain asleep for an adequate length of time. [Latin nsomnia, from nsomnis, sleepless : in-, not; see in-1 + somnus, sleep; see swep- in Indo-European roots.]

This describes my life in a nutshell. I Facebooked quite a little lately about my inability to sleep. Many people have offered up their solutions to my problem. I love that people care and want to help. So tonight I am going to give a little backstory...

I believe that I have always had sleep issues. I remember having a recurring dream when I was little. I can still remember that dream...

It was at out house in Pueblo. I can still see it clear as day. Our neighbors, a girl named Marnie and a man that Dad called Squat-to-Pee (don't ask, I cannot tell you what this man's real name was, I just know that my Dad was obviously not fond of him) were in this dream. It was very weird. It involved standing in line and waiting to get into someplace, Heaven maybe? I've never been sure what we were standing in line for. I know that no one else in my family was in this line; maybe it was the line to Hell? I NEVER not once got to the end of this dream or the end of that line. There were things that flew, like the flying monkeys in The Wizard of Oz, but I can't tell you that they were bad things nor do I know what their purpose was. I don't have this dream as often anymore. Maybe once every couple of years but when I do the dream is the exact same, my six year old self standing in line and waiting.

By high school I was what people call a night-owl. I always, ALWAYS felt more productive at night. It was nothing for me to do homework or read until 2 or 3 a.m. I never had a problem running on a few hours of sleep. It was much easier with a raging metabolism and 25 less years than I have now. When I went to Lincoln after I graduated I took night classes and would often drive home at 1:00 a.m.

I read an article once, one of those What Kind of Person are You? articles. It talked about how a person dealt with life happenings. It turns out that I am a "RUMINATOR".

ru·mi·nate

v. ru·mi·nat·ed, ru·mi·nat·ing, ru·mi·nates

v.intr.

1. To turn a matter over and over in the mind.

2. To chew cud.

v.tr.

To reflect on over and over again.

---

 

---

 

This is what happens when I go to bed. It's worse if I feel I've said or done the wrong thing at some point during the day. It's the one piece that stays in my brain and rolls around and around for hours. I remember the worst things about what I've done or how I've acted for YEARS after the fact; insignificant pieces of dialog that I wish I hadn't said or wish hadn't been said to me lodge themselves in my head and take up residence for years.

 

Now I add worry to my ruminations. This usually has to do with the kids and the older they've gotten the worse it is. There are so many things that I can't control now that they are in college. I lay in bed at night hoping that they are making good decisions. I hope they are eating and taking care of themselves. I hope that they are being safe. I worry about them getting in the wrong car or going on dates with people we don't know. It terrifies me that I will outlive any of my children because that isn't how it is supposed to be. I need them to get married, have kids, careers, happiness and success. I need them to grow old and yet there is now very little that I can do to get them there. Their lives are their own.

 

People say drink tea, and I have. People say go to bed the same time every night and I did for a long time. People suggest this herb or that OTC and trust me, I have tried them all. I took Ambien for 12 years and in the beginning it worked fantastic, however, the longer I was on it the more difficult my days got. It became really difficult to function. I NEVER woke up feeling like I slept although I know I did. I stopped taking it about a year ago and while I now go as many as 4 nights with little to no sleep. when I finally "crash" I'm out cold.

 

I think until someone finds a way to completely disable brain function and put it into "sleep" mode I'm stuck. I appreciate all the suggestions and when I come across 1 I haven't tried I do try it in the hopes that I will eventually happen on to the magic sleep solution.

On the up-side I had a good weekend with all of my girls here and I felt reassured that they are, in fact, making good decisions, making the grade, taking care of themselves. It is strange how the worries and concerns evolve with the years. You go from worrying about diaper rash to the first day of kindergarten to college applications to college graduation to whether they will meet someone who deserves them.

Take care all. Sleep tight...Don't let the bed bugs bite.

Lists in a Bucket

Jeff and I married YOUNG. I was 20 and Jeff was almost 25.
I'm pretty sure there were a lot of people that counted us out.
Here we are 20 years later. How did that happen?? I don't
look in the mirror and see 20 years. I don't look at Jeff and
see 20 years.

I find lately that I'm lonely. A lot. I didn't deal well with the
chaos that 6 kids brought and now I find I miss it. I think about
MY future a lot. And Jeff. And another 20 years. We will be
young enough to do some of these things in 10 years when Rubi
graduates. I have classmates who have just started having kids and
I can't even imagine it. I'm at the tail end and am looking forward
to being able to enjoy the next 20 years.

The definition of "Bucket List" is as follows:

noun

informal

• a number of experiences or achievements that a person hopes to have or accomplish during their lifetime: making this trip is the first thing on my bucket list

Most of my bucket list includes Jeff. Someday I'll tell him about it...

1. Travel to:
    New Orleans
    Maui
    Ashville, NC to see the Biltmore House
    London to glimpse the Ginger Prince
    Paris to add our locks to the Pont des Arts Bridge
    Venice to ride in a gondola

2.  Finish my degree.

3.  Write a book and have it published.

4.  Stand in the ocean with Jeff.

5.  Be married for 50 years.

My list is short. I am content with what I have. I married a good man. I have six fantastic kids. I have a loving, supportive family. I have a nice house. I have great friends. Did I mention I married a good man?

Some day life will stop for us and I want to look back without regret. I want to know that I lived.

What's on your List?

Time Marches On...

It's been a long time since I've written.
I've spent weeks trying to find the words
to explain graduation for the Triplets.

I am not sure there are words appropriate
to describe the feeling of pride I have
when I see this picture.

Graduation day was gorgeous.
We lucked out 2 years in a row
and had beautiful weather.
Our most favorite family members
managed to find their way here
to celebrate with us.

I'm shocked that 18 yrs have FLOWN.
I think most that came for graduation
felt the same way.

I watched them walk the aisle to take
their seats and all the crying that I
hadn't done, I did in this hour long ceremony.
The 1st tear fell with the first note of Pomp & Circumstance.

We were all pretty emotional with the
recognition of Cords & Collars.
If you had told me their Freshman year
that they would all eventually be on
National Honor Society and have a B
average or better when they graduated I
would have laughed. Hysterically, I might add.

To hear Olsen, Olsen, Olsen announced was
pretty special. To see them all walk the stage.
To see the diplomas were signed...
Relief was a feeling Jeff & I felt many times that day.

Once again I must say that Jeff & I did not
do this on our own. There are many that
we cannot thank enough for what they
have done for these kids.

First and foremost, their Grandparents.
Three pretty incredible people. They
supported, encouraged and loved these
3 kids, and us.

Someone so special surprised us,
Barb Schroeder. She is an Early
Childhood Services Coordinator and
the first person we met on our very long journey
with Parker. We managed to have some pretty
incredible ladies that helped get this boy to
this point. Parker was her 1st ECSC kid to
graduate and we couldn't have been more thrilled
to see her.

I cannot EVER repay what my sister Mickie
and her husband Chris have done for my kids.
These are 2 very special people and I love them.

And we cannot forget the most
amazing babysitter EVER.
Frannie is the person that managed to
help me stay sane. She started sitting
for these kids when they were 2. Most of
the time it seemed she was much better
at it than I was. She had WAY more control
that's for sure! We love you Frannie!

I have a pretty incredible family.
This day ABSOLUTELY would not have
happened without each and everyone of them.

My crazy babies...

It is now September and they have moved on.
ALL are in college and seem to be doing well.
Aspen is blazing her own trail on her own by
going to college where the other 2 are not.
Greer has been very social and is loving college
life. Parker is settling in. His schedule is pretty
light this 1st semester and he seems to like it
that way.

Our house is very quiet now. I jokingly
refer to us as The House With Half A Family.
Some days it's just too quiet...
Jeff and I now get to figure each other out
again after 20 years. We've been so wrapped up
in kids that time for us just hasn't happened much.
It's very different having just 2 kids at home.
We've never had just 2 kids.

So it feels like a period of rediscovery,
of new beginnings and good things ahead.
I'm lucky, I still see another 20 years with
the same man. I see lots of grandkids in
the years to come. I look forward to seeing
the 4 graduate from college and to Sadi and Rubi
graduating high school.

To everyone that shared the day with us,
please know how special it was for us to
have you here. These kids are the people
they are because of the people in their lives.

The Sum of the Three

“Our destiny is in the way we were born, in the way we were raised, in the sum of the three of us.”
― Eleanor Brown, The Weird Sisters

Aspen

Parker

Greer

People have wondered why I haven't written about the Triplets the way I wrote about Sofi last year. I don't really have an answer except that I am not overwhelmingly sad this year. Writing last year helped me alleviate my anxiety and sadness about Sofi leaving. This year I am excited. Excited about what they've accomplished and about what their future will be.

I cannot even begin to think how many people counted us out when we had 3 more babies less than 2 yrs after our first baby. I cannot even count the number of times in the hospital that I wondered if any or all of them would be born alive, healthy... Some moments are so clear and then others are so blurry and muddled.

I cannot believe that these tiny creatures have become full blown 18 year old, almost college students. Where has the time gone?

We've weathered Aspen's very critical start and Parker's diagnosis. We are still standing. I am so grateful for the blessings that my kids are.

I believe the saying, "everything happens for a reason". Most of the time it isn't clear what that reason is. The reason I was lucky enough to be given these children has yet to present itself. I'm keeping an eye out for it though.

Aspen was the first born, at 11:56 p.m., weighing in at a whole 3lbs 6oz. She came out fighting. She fought the nurses at every turn. She would have to be sedated in order for them to work on her. I can't tell you how many times she pulled out her own IVs. Seeing her with little patches shaved in her hair so that an IV could be put somewhere that she maybe couldn't reach it was heartbreaking. She came home after 6 weeks only to return to the PICU for surgery. She ended up back at birth weight after 2 weeks at home. I was probably more terrified at this than I was the first 5 weeks. While her temper could be SO frustrating I was so glad she had the determination and fight. I do not think she would have lived through this period without it.

She was a stinker from day 1 and took great pleasure in terrorizing Greer. She was often the boss in the first 5 years of life. The other 3 just kind of stood back and let Aspen take charge. I guess it was better than the fit that ensued if they didn't. She was the first to walk, the first to get teeth and ironically she was the LAST to speak. She and Greer had the twin language that people talk about. Greer would translate for Aspen on many occasion.

Aspen had the true awkward stage - so skinny and stringy hair, glasses too big for her face. She has turned into the most beautiful creature. She has beautiful curly hair and eyes that people would die for. She went from being the one that didn't talk to a state recognized Poetry contestant. She spends most free time with her head in a book. She has truly evolved into a completely fascinating person and I so look forward to watching her achieve many great things.

Parker was born 2nd at a whopping 3lbs 8oz at 11:57 p.m. He was in the worst shape of the 3. Statistically preemie boys tend to have a more difficult time than preemie girls and that was certainly true in this case. His lungs were not as developed as the girls' and he went immediately on a vent. He suffered collapsed lungs, a brain bleed and many other things as he spent his time in the NICU. He came home with Aspen after 6 weeks.

I started to suspect that things were not ok with Parker at probably 6 months. He had trouble holding his head up and had yet to roll over or attempt to sit up. At 9 months we saw the first of many specialists. It had to have been the most awful period. The first dr declared within 5 minutes of seeing Parker that he'd never walk, never hold a pencil. She told us the fair thing to do was to look at "institutional" living for Parker. It wouldn't be fair to our other children to try and raise him. I walked out of that appointment and never looked back. I knew that this boy was bound for greatness. I pushed and he pulled and somehow he's turned out to accomplish things that most able bodied people never even attempt.

At 18 months Parker had a tremendous grasp of the English language and was holding full on adult conversations with just about anyone willing to chat. He was/is pretty charismatic and you kind of get sucked in. I always attributed his verbal skills as a need based ability - he couldn't get to things physically so he had to be able to tell people what he needed.

I'm not sure at 18 months that I ever thought we'd see him run track or wrestle. Boy am I glad we didn't listen to that dr.! He has great ambitions for his future and I believe he's capable of conquering all of them. Keep watching ESPN folks, I gaurantee that one day you'll be listening to P call some sporting events, it may be dodgeball but it will be something!

Greer showed up at 11:59 p.m. and was all of 3lbs 4oz. She might have been the smallest but somehow she was the healthiest. She was born with this gorgeous bunch of dark hair and her eyes were deep. I swear you could see her soul when she looked at you. She never had a ventilator and had a feeding tube for only a couple weeks. She came home 1st at 5 weeks. She became Sofi's baby and was called Beer for quite awhile. Greer was not the easiest name to say for an 18 month old.

Greer was a very sensitive baby and as the toddler years crept up, Aspen put her to the test, A LOT. We always wondered why Greer didn't fight back and encouraged her to stick up for herself. We had no idea how this would manifest itself later. Let's just say that Aspen didn't see a lot of it coming.

Greer was a beautiful baby and child. As a matter of fact she looks exactly the same now as she did when she was 2. Greer is clearly the most social of the 3, people just gravitate towards her. We wondered when she got to highschool whether she would learn anything or just make friends. She's vice president of the National Honor Society so I guess she's learned something.

Greer surprised us in high school by deciding to play basketball and run cross country and track. It turns out she loves athletics. ( I know those of you that know me are wondering how that happened.) Her love of these things is shaping her future. I expect to attend sporting events for the rest of my life, first to watch my kids play, then to watch Greer coach and finally watching my grandkids.

I don't suppose I had any idea here just what the next 18 years was going to be. I'm ok with that. I may have run for the hills if I'd known. I'm grateful, a lot, that I was 21 when I had all the babies. We kind of lived by-the-seat-of-our-pants and somehow they've made it.

They've become speakers and runners and wrestlers but above all, survivors and I am truly blessed. I am so excited to see what their future brings. It'll be a walk in the park compared to their first 2 months of life. They are going to do great things and change people's lives. They changed mine 18 years ago... For the better.

Congratulations Graduates!